On With The F'N Show, This Is It!

THIS JUST IN: EC F'N W (Extreme Championship Fuckin' Wrestling) is making a comeback! According to reliable backstage sources! But unlike its last run ten to fifteen years ago, this time, the promotion will mean something! And just like that Do-It-Yourself Macarena Kit I bought last night on the Home Shopping Channel, this is GUARANTEED to last forever! And cranky old bastards like Wade Keller and Rick Scherer will probably keep complaining about how much it ~OMG SUCKS! And there will be only one unexplained murder this time around! And NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) is crapping their pants because of the ramifications this will have on the lower-tier wrestling industry! And it will be the best corporate-run renegade promotion ever!

EVER!!!

By now, I'm sure you've heard about the fascinating story behind ECW's ascent to greatness, not to mention the best-selling DVD. But how well do you know about the brave men and women (mostly men) who made ECW what it is today?

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I thought this might be a good opportunity to review some of the promotion's biggest and most celebrated names. Because otherwise this column would be really short:

Name: Tazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
From: The Red Sox Section of Brooklyn
Wight: Not Much
Finishing Maneuver: The Tazzplexion
Motto: "Beat me if you must, survive if you can."

Some people (probably the WWE's multi-hundred dollar marketing machine) would have you believe that Tazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz was a legendary figure in ECW's history, but I don't just buy it.

I mean, how could he have been so big when Joe E. Styles claims to have announced all the pay-per-views? What could the "Human Samoan Submission Machine" have been doing while Joe E. was yammering on - scratching his ass? Puh-leaze!

Name: Saboo
From: Bombay, Indiana
Weight: 270 kilos
Finishing Maneuver: Burning hot barbed wire to the groin
Motto: "Arriba!"

Does anyone really know anything about Saboo?

No, seriously. Anyone out there? Readers? I can't remember anything about the poor shlub.

Name: Sand Man
From: Beergutville, USA
Weight: No, you wait!
Finishing Maneuver: Falling down in a drunken heap
Motto: "Be prepared."

Say your prayers, little one
Don't forget, my son
To include everyone

Tuck you in, warm within
Keep you free from sin
Till the sandman he comes

Sleep with one eye open
Gripping your pillow tight

Exit light
Enter night
Take my hand
Off to never never land

Something's wrong, shut the light
Heavy thoughts tonight
And they aren't of snow white

Dreams of war, dreams of liars
Dreams of dragons fire
And of things that will bite

Sleep with one eye open
Gripping your pillow tight

Exit light
Enter night
Take my hand
Off to never never land

Now I lay me down to sleep
Pray the lord my soul to keep
If I die before I wake
Pray the lord my soul to take

Hush little baby, don't say a word
And never mind that noise you heard
Its just the beast under your bed,
In your closet, in your head

Exit light
Enter night
Grain of sand

Exit light
Enter night
Take my hand
We're off to never never land

Name: Ravin
From: The Bowely
Weight: Too much
Finishing Maneuver: Psychological
Motto: "What about me? What about Raven? What about love? Don't you want someone to care about you? What about love? Don't let it slip away. What about love? I only want to share it with you. You might need it someday."

He came into ECW fresh off a stint as Johnny Flamingo or Scotty The Polo or some lame shit. A new hairstyle, new clothes, some tattoos and one severe drug addiction later -- Ravin was born.

Whether it was hitting on Johnny Dreamer's ugly wife Byoolah or poisoning Sand Man's Punk-Ass Kid, Ravin was always at the heart of ECW. Except for when he left for WCW. And when he left for the WWF. And when he called in sick that time.

Name: Rod Van-Damme
From: Battler's Creek, Maryland
Weight: 420 (GET IT!?!)
Finishing Maneuver: ****1/2 Frog Press (Wade Keller took off half a star because he didn't sell it for long enough).
Motto: "Yeah! All right!" (© Matt Hocking)

If memory serves me correct, Rod Van-Damme started out during the WCW "InVention" angle, as an invader from some sort of promotion. He never lived up to his true potential, and sadly, never will.

Name: "Terrible" Terry Fuck
From: The Double Crisp Ranch
Weight: A spry 172
Finishing Maneuver: The Dementia Drop
Motto: "Yeeee haw!"

Hardcore isn’t about using chairs, or tables, or staplers, or cardboard boxes with particularly ragged edges. It's about cranky old men who should have retired in 1982.

Terry first won the Hardcore Title back when it wasn't cracked yet, and defended it by leaping off ladders, battling through barbed wire, ducking under dumpsters and gigging with garden weasels.

And then, of course, there was the time he moonlighted as "Chainsaw Charles"…

Name: Johnny Dreamer
From: Who the hell cares?
Weight: A ton.
Favorite Maneuver: The Tommyhawk Chop
Motto: "This… is… EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEME! (Cough)"

E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub!

Exit light
Enter night
Take my hand
We're off to never never land

Name: "The Franchise" Shawn Douglas
From: Whinyworld
Weight: Let's just say he could stand to cut down on the three-bean burritos.
Favorite Maneuver: Putting Self Over
Motto: "Everyone will know on May 19^th!"

Shawn Douglas made history (or at least, an issue of PWI Weekly) when he threw the NWA title in the trash because it was past its expiry date. Years later, someone found it in a trash can (probably that no-good Hacksaw) and NWA T&A was born.

Does Douglas figure to be a part of New ECW? BANK ON IT!!!

Name: Roy Mystereo Junior
From: Mexico
Weight: 8
Favorite Maneuver: The 613 (Ottawa); West Coast Jump
Motto: "I tawt I taw a cwuiserweight. I did, I did, I did taw a cwuiserweight."

Roy made his name by dedicating his career to the late "Latin Heat" Eddie Guerrera, who back in the days of ECW wasn't, technically, dead yet.

Yet a lot of people said Roy was too small to make an impact. They said he was too weak to make an impact. They said he was too dumb to make an impact. But for six magical weeks before he jumped ship to WCW, Roy Mystereo Junior embodied everything that was great about ECW.

Name: The Dudley Brotherz
From: Dudleyland
Weight: Combined
Favorite Maneuver: The Team 3-D
Motto: "D-Lo… get the table!" "No!" "What?" "I said, no!" "What?" "WHAT?" "Austin, get the hell outta here, this is between us." "I said 'Get The Table!" "I don't feel like getting the table. Maybe YOU can get the table this time!" "What if we were to get it together?" "Fine."

While D-Lo and Brutha Ray Dudley are the most famous Dudleyz, they weren't the only ones.

There was also Big Cock Dudley. And Spike TV Dudley. And Dudley Moore. And Dudley Do-Right. And Dudley Dudley. And Dudley Dudley Dudley. And Dudley Dudley Dudley Dudley. And The Fat Guy With The Neckbrace. And "Brother Runt".

EVER!!!

Name: Paul Herman
From: New York Bankruptcy Court
Weight: Fuggedaboutit!
Finishing Maneuver: The Check Bounce
Motto: "The Dangerous Alliance will reign supreme!" (WCW only)

He started off as a mere wrestling manager, pacing at ringside, distracting the referee so his charge could gain an illegal advantage, shouting through his megaphone "Come on, Hammer. Get him, baby. Ahahahahahaha!"

Later, he'd move on to the big time, forcing Andrew The Giant to turn on his boyhood friend Hal Kogan and tearing the cross out of his stomach during a live edition of Piper's Place, and making Andrew challenge Hal in front of 93 million fans at WrestelMania III.

But soon, he was in charge of his own promotion - making life miserable for those wrestlers who wouldn't join the nWo and winning the Monday Night Ratings War for 83 weeks. He was later fired because he sucked, at least according to every WWE documentary ever made.

Or maybe that was someone else. Look, I have no freaking clue. The person who REALLY held the power in EC F'N W was this guy:

Name: PyroFalkon
From: Wadville, OH
Weight: Does it really matter?
Finishing Maneuver: Being a jerk.
Motto: "I am a wad."

Okay, my second confession: "Hardcore" Pyro had nothing to do with ECW whatsoever. I just wanted to remind everyone that we are still taking entries for my "Make An Ass Out Of PyroFalkon" contest. See last week's column for details.

In closing, I'd just like to say:

Also: B-deep, b-deep, b-deep - that's all folks!